I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
