life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
