I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
