When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
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Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
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Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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