I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
