i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
