My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
