While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
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i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
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we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
We need to get me chipped asap
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize