I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.