His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.