Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.