just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
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