In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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