I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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