I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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