Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
