in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
