She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
