By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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