I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
