I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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