if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
