WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you didnt know i had herpes?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
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