If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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