I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
