Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
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I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
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Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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