Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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