Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
