she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
