life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
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She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
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Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.