I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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