Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
