new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
