I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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