Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Randomize
