There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
