just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
