Tell her she can't have a vagina
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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