Apparently you make a good broom.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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