Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
