No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
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