No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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