The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
