why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
