Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
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once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
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The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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