So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
