Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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