ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
