she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
