zippers are such a cool invention
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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