and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
