I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
