just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
