I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
