i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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