Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
