He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
