I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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