do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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