i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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